So I spent an entire week in a psych hospital called Palmeto. It was a lovely place that got me straightened out. It is incredible what just one week without the 'real world' stressors can do to a person. I got my meds done all over, got my head quiet, and I met new people. I really miss the games of Uno...

It's not only the Uno games that I miss, no. I also miss the fact that I felt connected with the people inside of Palmeto. They were great people and the first time in my entire life that I felt like I was gaining some proper social skills, that I was also gaining some people who I could stay in contact with, who I even consider friends. I miss seeing the group's faces and laughing with everybody. I really miss Rainy. He was just a big teddy bear and he was the first one who made me open up. Am I obsessing about Palmeto or is it just a longing for the people inside?

One of my greatest fears is being committed. As of late, I think it may happen. I'll try my hardest to not be committed, I swear this to you, my burning ember. All I can do is tell my shrink what is going on and how he reacts and treats me is his own choice. I'm afraid, I'll admit, but I won't hide things from him any longer.

My head is getting loud again. I almost slit my wrist in the stall of a bathroom at my school yesterday. I'm afraid to be alone again. I'm back tracking and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go away into some psychward. I just don't. Why would anyone want that? I don't get it...

Lately I've been feeling lonely, sad, even a little lost and I don't understand why. Then, suddenly this week, I feel rage, annoyance, and impatience. The first set of emotions were a steady for me before I began my treatment over a year ago. The second set of emotions are just not regular for me at all and I am a tad worrisome that I am just becoming like my sister, Grace. We are both bipolar and my mother tells me that a bipolar person grows into their condition up until their mid twenties. I'm only twenty. What happens if I end up like her? I think I would commit myself if that happened. I couldn't do that to my family.

As much as I love Grace, I am very saddened by her behavior. No one deserves to be treated like we do at her whim, it seems. She has enough control during the week for her customers and her work, but when it comes to her own family, we seem to be on the lesser end of her scale when it comes to importance. As much help as I try to be to Grace, as well as the rest of the family, I find it hard to keep myself seperate from her behaviors on the weekend. I think it would be very harmful for me to remove myself from her, being her sister as well as her friend, but I cannot let things roll off me like you do yourself. I am at loss right now as what to feel for her. I just know that I need to do something except linger and obsess on this.

God I love Allanah. I mean, I knew it before, but I know it more and more as each day passes. I never realized how lucky I was before but, suddenly, it dawns on me that life without her would be so very dull. I hate even thinking about it, let alone living it. I guess she's my ultimate drug. Oh, sure, we fight like every couple, but I cannot imagine her being away from my side. I love you, baby~

I swear, if I have to keep in this house for much longer i am going to kill someone. Namely, my little sister. The little self centered, pain in the ass, too loud for her own good wench. AUGH! Soemone come and save me from her, because if she gives her attitude at me one more time, I am going to fucking snap at her. Maybe she needs it. Maybe she needs someone to be raw and brazen with her. Oh, so I helped clean the kitchen, made dinner, put my things away but left one item out? I'm sorry, that gives you every right to be huffy and on your high horse like you're better than me! Get over it! I did half of your chore, I can leave one fucking item out by accident!

I feel...angry. Just angry. I don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've been around my family too much, maybe it's because Allanah's getting on my case about upgrading. Why can't people just let me be me and be happy with it? If I fuck up, I fuck up and I'll deal with it later, alright?! For the love of Pete, let me run my life how I want it! Or is that too hard to allow? Someone always has to have control over me, use me in some way, then toss me aside when they're done. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of everyone, and I want a break!

Alright, I've been at my mom's house for the past month because I have no net at my apartment. That and the holidays. I do believe I am on the brink of madness. Between the little ones, my elder sister's moods and being unable to do as I please, I have been so very, very annoyed...

Ah yes, as I wonder of the world of sleep, I begin to remember the brothers Morpheus and Phobetor. Morpheus who rules dreams while his brother Phobetor rules nightmares. I wonder if any other person thinks of these two Gods as they work their jobs eternally. Sometimes, I wish I could watch them, join them in their work. Then I realize that I join them nightly, though often for shorter than I would enjoy.